Today is the 6th of January 2018. I have spent most of December and almost all of January in deep contemplation about my life.
What am I supposed to do now? Who am I without children to take care of? Was I really a good mother? Where is this tide taking me?
These questions arise from a place I am not well aquatinted with. I used to be confident and had clear direction on where my life is, where I came from and a general idea of where it is going.
I don’t think that person is complete gone. She just got souped and is trying to claw her way out.
Bits of her surface more and more, yet I remain slightly confused. Sometimes grief comes out of nowhere and bowls me over. Recovery from the grief is becoming easier.
The thing that really surprised me most about myself is how losing my precious Mali last April defined what I turned into. A grieving mother. So, focusing my attention solely on my own grief, I shutout everything else around me.
There is a spark however that is kindling in what used to be my heart. Almost as if Mali were telling me to get up and live. I feel guilty. Straight up. If I throw down my mourning would I be leaving her behind? Who am I if not the bereaved mother? Honestly I haven’t a clue. What I do know is I am small part of this world and it did not stop turning just because I got pissed off at God for my misguided belief that He let that happen when He could have stopped it. Pretty arrogant and petty of me.
The struggle to sort that out is hard. The answer lies inside of me. She is part of me and I am a part of her. She died. She will always be a part of me. The acceptance of her choice to complete suicide is starting to sink in. “I may not like it but I cannot change it”. I stole that line from my ever patient Husband.
I read a passage out of the Gospel of Thomas. (The Vatican has decreed this Gospel as heresay so you won’t find it any Catholic Bible or doctrine) Therefore, I had to read it. (Rebel) It said, “Split a piece of wood and you will find me there. Lift a stone and I am beneath the stone. The kingdom is inside you and around you”. Something like that anyway. If Jesus really said that, it’s the most profound passage I have read in awhile. I am banking he said it.
So, long story short, I may not know where I am going but I am never alone.