October 27 2017
i woke up around 530 this morning to the sound of the intrusive wind rattling the wind chimes and teasing the heavy branches of our apple tree into believing they can fly.
There are snow flurries.
I had been dreading this change in the season where fall gives way to winter weather far too soon in this part of the country.
Mali and I would rejoice when the snow would start. Always hoping our weather man (who is usually wrong) miscalculated the amount of snowfall. Like praying for great surf in my former life, we prayed for endless feet of snow. This usually came to no fruition. It was always fun to dream.
With her abscence all that is left is cold, howling wind and flurries.
Today is a reflection day for me. I’m on a vacation day. I have become adept at filling in my time. So much time now. So much quiet.
The usual chaos from having children in our home has given way to premature empty nest.
That empty nest that a couple of months ago was sheer anguish has changed. It’s like the aftermath of a great tsunami now. Finally able to take in the weight and breadth of the damages. We have hit the clean up stage of our grief. Not sure where to start but well aware of the mess laid out before us.
I still cry and wail in anguish. Just not like I used to. It’s more of a quiet despair. Her name is always on the tip of my tongue and she is always on my mind. Every now and then someone asks a question about her. I burst into tears.
Open enrollement at work has stressed me out. Her name all over the health insurance, dental, vision, life. Her status as a beneficiary on insurance policies. College funds. HR asking for a death certificate, her date of death. I become mute and barely manage 4/8. It’s a whisper I shove out mouth. Then tears.
I takes a lot of energy to live in this state I try to put on a good face at work but my eyes are a testimony to the lie.
I hope it snows feet today.