We are closing in on 5 months since our baby girl took her life.
Most of this time I recall almost nothing. April and May are huge blanks. I think the brain does this to protect the body from the stress of such a traumatic event.
One thing that amazes me is the strength I see in Tim. He suffers too, don’t get me wrong. He has been a pillar of strength. He picks me up when I fall which is often. He listens to my pain and the outpouring of tears I manage to produce daily.
I would like to move. I have been looking at several homes lately. I think I just want to move on. I would never forget our sweet Mali but I find coming home just starts up our pain all over again.
Noticing all the back to school events have been hard. It feels like splinters in my heart. Mali would have been a sophomore this year. I feel her loss more acutely during this season. The barrage of school supplies and clothing sales I try to avoid.
I think I am starting to accept she is not coming back. That is a mess of soggy bog I do not want to cross. Unfortunately it is part of the process. The guilt I feel is searing. Figuring out how to cross that barrier without leaving her behind just plain hurts.
Her smile and genuine gentleness is missed. Nothing will change that.