Life did not stop because she died. The bills keep coming, the sun rises, it sets, babies are born, other people die. Vacations happen, friends come and go and I find myself a watcher most days. Not participating but at least watching.
Lately I have been telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Lately I find myself not giving a shit about that last sentence that came out of my mouth. I feel nothing. That emptiness that left my heart bleeding and broken when Mali died has morphed in this cold, uncaring, nothing really matters lump that has replaced my heart.
From being someone who gave a shit about the world and the people in it to being so detached from it is kind of scary. I don’t know this person I have become in the last 4 months.
What I do know is I need a change. I need to change my surroundings. I need to un-nest. I want to throw off this mantle of darkness that surrounds me and find a different way.
It pisses me off when people don’t get that. My nest was destroyed and I don’t care to live in a wrecked empty nest anymore. It is killing me to walk into her home when she is gone and not coming back.
Today I choose to rant. Temper tantrum as a grownup, followed by what could turn into an all out rearranging the furniture kind of day. I need a new space and if I can’t have a new one right now because I am a chicken shit, then I will damn well make one. Once I know I can do that then making a new home somewhere else might be easier to do.