Did she leave a letter?

We never found a letter from Mali after she completed suicide.

For 109 days I spent a lot of time in anguish. I just want words say why she did this. What was so bad in her life she could not talk to me or her father.

On day 110, a letter was found. It wasn’t in an envelope. Just a paragraph on school paper.

It was found by her brother who was cleaning out a spare room.  Her old child’s bed was in that spare room.  The letter he found was between the mattress and box spring.

I could not read it at first. I imagined she would lash out at her family. Angry and upset. I was terrified to know its contents.

After about an hour, I got up the courage to read it.  It was exactly as my daughter lived her 14 years.  Introspective, real, apologetic.  It told us the reason.  She felt she led a terrible life.  She was a terrible failure.  She had no purpose on the planet.  She wanted forgiveness for her choices and for us not to be mad at her.  She fell into a black hole she couldn’t get out of

She loved us very much.

My heart, what was left of that shattered organ splintered a little more.

The last 30 days I have spent in CBT and DBT classes, the loss and grief classes all went out the window.  I have just shut down.

I loved that little girl more than life itself. She was my world. We were close. I never thought of her as a failure. I want to own that failure.  I couldn’t save her.

This is the bitter life sentence I have talked about before. It’s cold, grey, and bleak in my world without that beautiful ray of light.

I forgive her everything. There was nothing to forgive. She made a choice and damn if she didn’t execute that plan. No fear on her part it seems. Just acceptance in that mentally ill brain that was operating her.

I wish her peace and light  on her journey and I hope she can forgive me for all my failings as a parent

I will always love you Mals.

 

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