Saturday’s Suck

Saturdays are just plain hard. Saturday afternoon at 352 pm she hung herself in her closet.

This was also the day that Mals and I spent together doing Mom and Mali activities. Shopping for Mali was starting to get stressful as she was a bonifide teenager.  Her style was changing.  I was so glad she still wanted my company.

Her taste in clothing was uniquely hers. Shawls, skater dresses, holes in her jeans and the same army green tshirt she loved so much. We’d go to Sephora or Ulta so she could buy the endless amounts of makeup that she would only paint on at home. She never wore makeup in public.

We would have lunch out and go on a mini adventures to one of the small towns that surrounded our community to find treasures in an antique store. She was always looking for something precious to bring to her Dad.

This year we missed softball season as she wasn’t here to power run to get on first base or swing that bat with so much earnestness I would pray to will that ball high and far.

A friend of mine out of the blue told me this week “you can’t fill human shaped holes with cats”. …. or anything else.  It was the most profound thing I have heard in ages.

Today I am wracked with horrible pain.  My heart is empty and my head is so full of shit it scares me.  The house is all Mali.  It hurts.

I listen to the music on her iPhone and wonder how different her music and my music tastes are so different.  She really loved Drake.  I love Radiohead.

It has been 90 days since Mali left us.  I could barely get out of bed today.  I did my why’s this morning.

Why did you kill yourself? Why didn’t you tell anyone?  Why did you leave me?  Why can’t  I just end all this suffering like she did so we can be together?

Like my sister in law said so many times, how do you know you will be with her?  No one know the answer because once you’re dead you can’t come back and tell us how it’s going.  She poses a good point. No guarantees I’ll get to be with her.

I refuse to give in to this self loathing.  I think I will fight for myself today.  What else can I do?

 

 

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